The day before the cruise, the film crew came to our hotel. The producer thanked everyone for being a part of the filming w/ me. Which confused all of us because we thought this was a group thing, and when questioned the producer was as confused as we were. We all filmed a pre- cruise scene in the hotel, toast to the cruise etc. Then Suzi & I filmed a scene of us walking around nyc, and taking a cab to the port. We shot this the day before because the crew had to load everything & go through the security/boarding process just like us. So they weren't sure how the timing would work out. They said they would meet us at the port. Remember they're all cruise newbies too!
Day 1:
The camera followed us through the port getting our reactions to seeing the guys for the 1st time & my hug from donnie! :) then the producer had to go get through security etc himself & said he'd find us on the lido deck after boarding. we had a couple sail away drinks, ate lunch etc. When the sun finally came back out, I wanted to ditch my jacket & leggings so said a quick brb to my friends and on my way back up I find Donnie by the stairs taking selfies with everyone. Thats how it always happens, you never know when there's gonna be a New Kid around the corner on the cruise! When I got my moment with Donnie, I hugged him and thanked him for making me a part of the amazing experience :) He said something along the lines of, you're welcome, enjoy it/have fun...you know what it's like when you're in Donnie's presence lol My phone was dead so I had my regular camera, he takes it from me & is like who uses this kind of camera anymore?! Sorry dude, my battery died! Anyway, he continues to take 3 pics, checking each one to make sure it's a good one :)
OMG I'm not on the boat a cpl hours and already have a NK moment!~This is gonna be the BEST vacation ever!!!! Then we were off to the emergency drill _yay-not. As soon as the horn sounds Suzi & I were racing to get a good spot by the main stage for the Sail Away party! The other girls prefer to stay out of the crowds so we met up with them after, just in time for Donnie to make his way through the crowd and take pix with my friends! Now we've all have a Donnie moment/pic!!!!
We head back to our cabins to get unpacked, hang our door poster and call home to say good-bye for the next few days. We get changed for dinner and head to the dining room. Not everyone was ready but they said go on down & we'll meet you at the table. After finally finding the dining room, we realized that even though we were all early dining, some of us were at the other dining room. Hey we'd had a cpl drinks, it happens :/ Producer John met us at dinner and filmed some of us talking about various things at dinner. By the time I got back to my cabin and started getting ready for the game show & masquerade night, the seasickness started. This was my 5th cruise, and every year I have moments of seasickness, but it doesn't usually last long, I take some meds, get up on the lido deck in the open air & I'm fine. But this year was bad, I tried sitting out on my balcony, took dramamine etc nothing helped. I didn't wanna miss the 1st night, and i don't wanna be puking on camera, I was just praying it would go away. We went to the game show and my friends had gotten me some ginger ale, between that and the hilarity of the game show I was feeling better by the time I got to the deck party. Waiting for the guys to come out, the nausea hits again (no drinking for me this cruise!) Suzi & I eventually made our way into the crowd after the guys came out. I'm not one to camp out all day but I also don't wanna be on the sidelines all night either. At one point I got my dance/twirl from Donnie! What seasickness? Lol we headed for some late night pizza, and decided to call it any early night. I still wasn't 100% over the nausea, and was hoping a nights sleep on the ship would help my body adjust.
Day 2
I woke up feeling better, so we went to get some breakfast but as soon as i sat down with my food, the nausea hit again. I went to sit in the open air part of the lido deck (smoking area) This was horrible, I was starting to worry that I was gonna be sick the whole cruise. I felt ok outside but everytime I went inside I got sick again so I spent most of the morning/early afternoon just hangin out there. The previous night the producer said he would meet me in my cabin around 1pm. As I was sitting there someone else from the show crew came out to smoke so I had him replay the message to the producer that I was out there. John came out later to tell me that he was being switched to another group and I'd be working with Jen R.When the other girls came out, they said they were going to the merch sale, so I gave them my card and asked them to get me a cruise sweatshirt.The weather was chilly/rain off and on the whole cruise :/ When they came back, the cameras were there and since I was finally feeling better it was time to shoot a scene -what are we gonna do now to get our passes? As you saw on the show we came up with the plan for them to raise me up in the crowd to flash my bikini top. The day lido party was going on at this time. After the practice session outside i was supposed to run back to my room and change -i wasnt wearing a bikini top. right as we walked in the idea came to write vip party on my belly. As soon as steph writes it, i realize Danny is standing 100ft away taking pix with fans. I think, now's my chance, i run over and as I'm standing there waiting I'm thinking, fuck no bikini top...what do I do? Since day 1 of casting this show, the question was always how crazy will you get for nkotb? well flashing is as crazy as i'd ever get so i guess this is it! And we all know what happened next. When he walked away, I turned and ran outside. Film crew came after me telling me they would straighten things out, it's ok etc All I wanted to do was go to my cabin but they kept saying just wait, producers are talking to management it's gonna be ok.etc Everyone said they had no idea I was going "full monty" but come on, it's been on the table since my 1st interview. I'm not saying they made me flash Danny, more that doing the show gave me a reason to. I thought about all this for months. It wasn't a plan to flash a new kid specifically, just a wild card to throw out if other plans didn't work. Had there been no cameras, I wouldn't have been SO upset. No I didn't fake crying for a dramatic reality moment. I simply felt the full weight of my bad decision, knowing my fuck up would be shown to the world. All those hateful nasty social media comments were already running through my head. This was supposed to be a dream nkotb experience and instead I made it a nightmare. I was mad at myself for such a stupid mistake & upset that I had pissed him off. & or offended him. Did he think I set him up to look bad intentionally? To all who said why would I care what someone thinks who doesn't even know me? First of all I care about other people's feelings in general. Hurting people isn't something I'd ever do intentionally. My friends always said I have "Pollyanna complex" Also, because of the tv show he DOES know me & I don't think he'll ever forget me now. They all remember fans, isn't that one of the reasons we love them so much! My nkotb fun is my escape from life and now I created a shit ton of drama in one moment. At some point after, the producer Jen told me that since this went so wrong it would not be a part of the show. But the bh world is better than any at spreading bad stories about other fans. I was now, "that girl". When I finally made it back to my cabin I just cried, that's me. I cry. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. Months of excitement, anticipation, planning, stress, hopes & dreams - add sleep deprivation... so yeah i was drowning in my emotions when I got back to my cabin. Later my friends & the cameras showed up and as soon as someone says how are you, I'm a mess and now here's the cameras the catch my ugly cry. I didn't want to go to dinner, or the show or anything that night. I just wanted to be left alone so I could just sleep it off and not ruin anyone else's night. Then my friends tell me about the video apology idea. I really didn't think about how it would look, other than he'd know how sorry I was sorry if he ever even saw it? Do I wish I could've pulled myself together and not been a sobbing mess, of course! But that was me in the moment. I'm an emotional person. After that I went to sleep, they came in again to see if I wanted to go to the deck party, but all i wanted to do was sleep.
Day 3
When I woke up the next morning I called my husband to tell him what happened. I knew he would help me to feel better, even by just hearing his voice. He's my best friend, my partner in life and he's the only one who can make me smile even when I don't want to. After talking to him, I got myself together, determined to not let one mistake ruin my trip. Luckily it was our day in Bermuda so I could get off the ship and leave it all behind me. Due to the fiasco the previous night, I didn't have a meeting time with production. We also didn't have any specific filming plans for that day anyway. My friends and I wanted to just go to the beach, shop & have lunch. There were not enough camera crews to have 1 set assigned to each castaway. They switched around, some were union members that ment they had time requirements, breaks etc I didn't want to wait around and lose more vacation time so after we all got ready and ate breakfast we got off the ship for our bermuda day. We went to the beach, shopped around & had lunch then laid on the beach with Suzi and Jenn til it was time to get back to the ship to get ready for Movie Night. A day off the ship helped in letting it all go but I was worried about going back into the masses, oh well I can't hide forever! My friends told me that I should go talk to Rose Tours to ask if I could go to the group b concert since I misssed mine the night before. I said no, I wasn't going to ask for any special treatment. I missed it on my own. Later that night, when Nichole sees me in my room instead of the show, she says ÿou bitch, why didn't you go to the show! You're crazy for not getting to see the concert you paid for!" The film crew showed up at some point at my cabin after we got back on board. I was ready to get back into the fun. They filmed us getting ready and for the 1st hr or so on the lido deck then that was it for the might,/ But We had a good time that night! everyone was stopping to take our group pic, the wizard of oz was a hit! We all decided to try for donnie's attention during the lido party in hopes of getting on stage to dance. Its a literal mass of bodies trying to get there but we finally made it! Unfortunately the stage was too small for all 8 plus donnie & jordan, so donnie let us up then left to another stage. Suzi, Nichole, Jenn & I got to dance with Jordan though! I was sad the cameras weren't there when we got on stage with jordan! That's 3 nkotb moments of fun that wasn't caught for the show : After that, everyone was ready to change to pj's as there was no costume contest in the end. Whatever happened to that? I didnt change though, i wanted to stay incognito lol Pizza time, then back to the lido party. At one point I started moving my way in the crowd, it was getting later, space was opening up. The next thing I know some woman grabs my arm, shoves me into other people screaming, ÿou fucking bitch, you've had enough attention already" WTF?! I was stunned, I took off, crying of course. We weren't anywhere near a stage or a new kid, i was just dancing and moving through the crowd, isn't that what we all do? She apparently believed what most people were thinking, that being a part of this show gave us nkotb vip everything. But the truth is the exact opposite. We got no special attention, or treatment-NONE. and We paid for everything, Nothing was free or given to us.
Day 4
It's meet and greet day! We started getting ready when we got up. Room service breakfast is awesome! I was so nervous as this would be the 1st time face to face with Danny after the bomb, but if you've ever been to a nkotb m&g you know you have to strategically plan to get a hello to each guy, so i had planned on just bypassing Danny. The cameras were late getting to my cabin- nothing new there. When the producer got there I was fully ready for the m&g, but she says that she needs me to put my pj's back on, glasses etc I said is this about the danny thing? because i'm done talking about it on camera, i want to move on not keep bringing it up. She's like please amanda? just 1 more thing? "ugh, ok. So i start changing, wiping off make-up brushing out my curls, producer keeps asking if i'm ready yet. they've been late for every meeting now they want me to rush? I come out of the bathroom, she puts a mic on me and runs out the door saying she'll be right back, she's gotta get a camera guy. So i went to lay down figuring it would take forever. But within a few minutes there was a knock on the door, i'm thinking why didn't she flip the lock so she could come back in like usual? Then another knock, I figure, fine lets get this over with. I open the door and see Danny. Holy fucking shit. Yep my reaction was real. I'd never been so relieved, shocked, etc Of course I'd hoped to make things ok with Danny, by this point I figured it wasn't gonna happen and my story probably would end up on the cutting room floor. Danny's visit lasted longer than what aired. He told me that of the guys, Jon would've probably gotten the biggest kick out of my flashing! omg i was cracking up! After he gave me the sweatshirt (which some some irony in, maybe but it's also coveted merch item that sells out fast every yr on the cruise.) I decided to give him a shirt I'd brought in hopes of giving to him but didn't think it would be appropriate after what happened. It was a pink shirt i had made for my hubby to wear on a previous cruise Pink night. Front said Öfficial Boob Inspector with the pink ribbon symbol and the back said "check yourself or i will"with a winky face. He thought it was pretty hilarious. He just kept telling me that it was all over, not a big deal, just wrong place/time etc Then i hear mangement saying, come on danny we gotta go, the meet & greet is starting. He says, ok so i'll see you at the m&g right? Hell yeah, now go so I can get ready again! :) The camera followed me a cpl doors down to my friends cabin so I could tell them what happened! And since i already had bought a cruise hoodie, i gave the one from Danny to my bff Suzi :) More tears but happy ones this time! We go have our m&g, cameras were with us. Danny smiled and hugged me, good to see you again all good? Yep! I stood with Jon, he asked where I was from, when I said ohio, he's like man there's a lot of ohio people here! I hugged Donnie on my way out and he asked if I was feeling better, I smiled and yes much better :) After the m&g the producer said she needed me for something and to tell the others I'd meet up with them in like 20 min. I was guessing they wanted me to talk on camer about my m&g? So we said we'd meet up in the buffet area-they were going to eat lunch. I followed the producer to an area where several other castaways were and we were led back into the m&g room for a cast photo with nkotb. This group didn't get any special time from Victor either, i didn't talk to, hug or anything, they might as well been the cardboard cut outs lol After the photo I went to find the girls. The producer told me that Danny coming to see me wasn't set up by them, it was because of the video my friends took to Johnny. They had tried to find me the day before because they heard through Donnie that Danny wanted to make things ok. When I found the girls I told tham this and thanked them so much for helping me not only get through it but to help make it happen. That's when it all changed. They told me that it wasn't their idea, that production made them do it and that the only reason Danny came to my room was because Johnny made him because they were afraid I was gonna cause a scene at the m&g. Wow...um...what?! Danny seemed so genuine about wanting to make things ok, He didn't have to come in, sit and talk with me for idk 10min or more? I was honestly so stunned I didn't know what to think or know what to say so I left to find Suzi and Jenn. There was a lot of tension among this large group of women, not all of them were close friends and well ya know how they say that you don't really know someone til you vacation with them. I figured it was just the stress of 8 women traveling together for a week. I found suzi laying out on the upper deck, producers wanted to film a scene that was supposed to be all of us hanging out but the other refused to participate so it was just Suzi and I. They never gave us lines, but would say talk to suzi about your free pass, and we would just have a conversation. They also needed to reshoot the lead up to me flashing Danny, and writing on my belly. Now that it had a happy ending, they were obviously going to use the story and needed to fill in the video footage gap in order to tell the story. Suzi said she'd film it with me since the others refused. That took most of our afternoon because we had to keep waiting for the music to stop to be able to get the audio. it was frustrating to be missing my cruise down time redoing things I'd rather forget. We finished just as Joe started duets at dusk. After dinner, before gps night i always pack up before heading out the last night. The cameras came to film those final thoughts on the cruise etc and for the 1st hour or so of the lido party. We all partied and danced together that night, i thought maybe it had all blown over. then later that night 2 of the girls started going on and on complaining to me about 2 of the other girls and I had heard enough for the week. I said that's it, I'm done and walked away. Do you see a pattern here, yeah i totally suck at confrontation :( I avoid it, I hate it, I just want everyone to be nice and get along. Seriously am I asking too much? It was late, i wanted to get some sleep-screw staying up all night. Suzi and I went back to our cabin.
Production told me where to meet them the next morning so that I could go with them to the hotel they had for the cast that night since we were being interviewed the following day. The 1st thing i didn't have to pay for! The rest of the girls were going home that day so we would've been going separate ways off the ship anyway. But before I even got off the ship, everything changed.
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